In this module we will go beyond the surface and explore how reaching your goals will impact your life in a deeply enriching way.
I find this to be an essential step in fully committing to yourself. If you can remain convinced that your goals are trivial, you seek a way out as soon as pursuing them becomes a challenge. But, I promise, your goals are anything but shallow! Let’s explore…
There are superficial goals, and there are deep goals.
This is not to say that superficial means trivial, nor does it imply vanity. It simply means they are at the surface. Superficial goals are probably the first thing to pop into your mind when I ask you, what do you want?
They often include things like: I want to lose weight. I want more energy. I want a partner. Etc.
And they are great because they provide us access to your deeper desire.
I really do mean it when I say that superficial goals are great! That knee-jerk reaction to the question, “what do you want?” is like a door that – when opened and walked through – is going to tell us what your version of life lived in color looks like.
Are you ready to walk through the door, [accessally_user_firstname]?
Opening the door goes like this…
I ask – Hey [accessally_user_firstname], what do you want?
And you say, …. [just think it through for now – there’s a worksheet to guide you through it]
And then I say – Got it, if you had that thing (that thing that you really want) right now, what would having that do for you? What would be available in your life that simply feels out of reach at the moment?
And you say, ….
And then I say – OK, we’re getting closer! If you had THAT thing (that thing that only becomes available once you have the first thing) right now, what would having THAT do for you? What would be available in your life that simply feels way out of reach at the moment?
And you say, ….
See how this goes? You may need to repeat the last question a few times. You’ll know you’ve landed when you reach one of the core human desires. In the example provided, we start with wanting to lose weight, which points to the desire to be fully present in the parts of life that matter most.
Here’s a printable worksheet to guide you through the process on your own. If you’re feeling stuck, this would be a great topic to discuss in one of our calls.
What you’ve just uncovered through the above exercise is WHY you want what you want.
Even if you’re highly rationale, you are emotionally motivated. You want what you want because, in your mind, having that thing is deeply connected to a part of life you deem essential.
Your superficial want is an access point to your core human desire – the desire for love, safety, and/or belonging.
Let me make this real for you. Here’s what this exercise looks like in my office on a regular basis.
What do you want? “To lose the 25 lbs I gained”
Great – what would losing 25 lbs do for you? “When I lose 25 lbs, I will feel more confident and beautiful.”
Got it – what will feeling confident and beautiful do for you? “If I felt confident and beautiful, my body wouldn’t be such a preoccupation or distraction.”
[do you see the hint of belonging?]Great, we’re getting close. What becomes available when you’re not preoccupied or distracted with your body and how you look? “I would enjoy life more. I would feel fully present at work, on the lake with my kids, or in bed with my partner. I would feel more alive in my life.”
Bingo… in this woman’s mind, losing those 25 lbs is the key ingredient to belonging and being present with her friends and family, as well as at work. She wants to feel alive and engaged, rather than distracted or preoccupied. This is WHY she wants to lose those 25 lbs.
Good work, [accessally_user_firstname]! If you’re actually doing this work (and not just reading and thinking about it), I trust that you’re already having major insights.
It’s time to uncover the most common reason people fail to reach their superficial goal. Sit down. It’s a doozy.
If you’re secretly afraid to reach your deep goal, you’ll never let yourself succeed at your superficial goal.
Let’s take the woman used in the above example. Let’s call her Jane because Jane feels ubiquitous, and trust me, this woman is everywhere. If Jane is secretly afraid that being fully present will reveal the need to make difficult or overwhelming changes (like admit that her work is unfulfilling and do something new… or that her relationship hasn’t been supportive or fulfilling for years and get help or leave), she’ll keep sabotaging her weight loss efforts so that she never has to continue down the path that culminates in shaking up life in scary ways. Frankly, it’s easier to blame it on the weight than it is to do the challenging work of pursuing true fulfillment.
So where does that leave you?
You, my friend, get to choose. Stay stuck on the surface, or join me in the next module, and let’s do the real work of pursuing deep goals. My promise to you is that if you pursue your deep goal, your superficial goal will either take care of itself or become completely irrelevant.
In this module we will go beyond the surface and explore how reaching your goals will impact your life in a deeply enriching way.
I find this to be an essential step in fully committing to yourself. If you can remain convinced that your goals are trivial, you seek a way out as soon as pursuing them becomes a challenge. But, I promise, your goals are anything but shallow! Let’s explore…
There are superficial goals, and there are deep goals.
This is not to say that superficial means trivial, nor does it imply vanity. It simply means they are at the surface. Superficial goals are probably the first thing to pop into your mind when I ask you, what do you want?
They often include things like: I want to lose weight. I want more energy. I want a partner. Etc.
And they are great because they provide us access to your deeper desire.
I really do mean it when I say that superficial goals are great! That knee-jerk reaction to the question, “what do you want?” is like a door that – when opened and walked through – is going to tell us what your version of life lived in color looks like.
Are you ready to walk through the door, [accessally_user_firstname]?
Opening the door goes like this…
I ask – Hey [accessally_user_firstname], what do you want?
And you say, …. [just think it through for now – there’s a worksheet to guide you through it]
And then I say – Got it, if you had that thing (that thing that you really want) right now, what would having that do for you? What would be available in your life that simply feels out of reach at the moment?
And you say, ….
And then I say – OK, we’re getting closer! If you had THAT thing (that thing that only becomes available once you have the first thing) right now, what would having THAT do for you? What would be available in your life that simply feels way out of reach at the moment?
And you say, ….
See how this goes? You may need to repeat the last question a few times. You’ll know you’ve landed when you reach one of the core human desires. In the example provided, we start with wanting to lose weight, which points to the desire to be fully present in the parts of life that matter most.
Here’s a printable worksheet to guide you through the process on your own. If you’re feeling stuck, this would be a great topic to discuss in one of our calls.
What you’ve just uncovered through the above exercise is WHY you want what you want.
Even if you’re highly rationale, you are emotionally motivated. You want what you want because, in your mind, having that thing is deeply connected to a part of life you deem essential.
Your superficial want is an access point to your core human desire – the desire for love, safety, and/or belonging.
Let me make this real for you. Here’s what this exercise looks like in my office on a regular basis.
What do you want? “To lose the 25 lbs I gained”
Great – what would losing 25 lbs do for you? “When I lose 25 lbs, I will feel more confident and beautiful.”
Got it – what will feeling confident and beautiful do for you? “If I felt confident and beautiful, my body wouldn’t be such a preoccupation or distraction.”
[do you see the hint of belonging?]Great, we’re getting close. What becomes available when you’re not preoccupied or distracted with your body and how you look? “I would enjoy life more. I would feel fully present at work, on the lake with my kids, or in bed with my partner. I would feel more alive in my life.”
Bingo… in this woman’s mind, losing those 25 lbs is the key ingredient to belonging and being present with her friends and family, as well as at work. She wants to feel alive and engaged, rather than distracted or preoccupied. This is WHY she wants to lose those 25 lbs.
Good work, [accessally_user_firstname]! If you’re actually doing this work (and not just reading and thinking about it), I trust that you’re already having major insights.
It’s time to uncover the most common reason people fail to reach their superficial goal. Sit down. It’s a doozy.
If you’re secretly afraid to reach your deep goal, you’ll never let yourself succeed at your superficial goal.
Let’s take the woman used in the above example. Let’s call her Jane because Jane feels ubiquitous, and trust me, this woman is everywhere. If Jane is secretly afraid that being fully present will reveal the need to make difficult or overwhelming changes (like admit that her work is unfulfilling and do something new… or that her relationship hasn’t been supportive or fulfilling for years and get help or leave), she’ll keep sabotaging her weight loss efforts so that she never has to continue down the path that culminates in shaking up life in scary ways. Frankly, it’s easier to blame it on the weight than it is to do the challenging work of pursuing true fulfillment.
So where does that leave you?
You, my friend, get to choose. Stay stuck on the surface, or join me in the next module, and let’s do the real work of pursuing deep goals. My promise to you is that if you pursue your deep goal, your superficial goal will either take care of itself or become completely irrelevant.